there is so much out there, its so beautiful.
to not be my savior nor my rescuer, but a warm inviting smile of love and compassion.
love is all around me, it is in past relationships, it is present, it is in strangers, in the sun and in the trees
-india after home?
I want a spiritual get away where I can feel free and me. Where I can feel safe and pure.
I want a new start
I want a good community that is pure and real.
what is my true self?
Things are becoming more clear to me. What I desire is pure love and where that starts is within myself. And that it is okay to find that love in the outside lands of my boundaries that I was born within. I have come to learn that there is love all around me. It is in my everyday life. Life is the beholder of love itself. Singing is love, chanting is love, walking gently is love, listening is love, talking is love, sleeping is love, reading is love, talking to stranger is love. I have been yearning for this love. This love is what I know to be true within myself. I want to listen to my inner wisdom that I have possessed through past lessons in many of the lives that I have lived.
You don’t learn to walk by following rules. You learn by doing, and by falling over.
i know that this is the right thing for me right now but why does it hurt so much.
This has become so unhealthy and dependent in an unhealthy way. Things have gotten so sticky. I don’t want to let you go but i wasn’t happy with the way it was. We had some beautiful moments together, amazing memories that were so beautiful and meaningful. You need to know that they mean so much to me and they still do. The time we spent together was uplifting, it was beautiful and it was healing. One part of me is fighting with the other half. Am I ready to let this go, to let us go? It didn’t feel right towards the end, something didn’t feel right.
Where do i go from here where no matter how many times you tell me that you understand, i know that you don’t. Your actions speak louder than what you are saying to me. You told me that you understood, you told me that you would try to give me the space that I voiced out that i so badly needed. i have yet to receive that space. For the first time in quite some time, I felt free. and I don’t know why, i think that I may need something more than just this, more than us and i am not sure that I have the guts to tell you that or let alone admit it to myself. I’m looking back at the photos that we have taken in our past and it makes me miss the nights where you used to hold me. i don’t know what I need right now. I don’t know if i want to be with you or if i would rather feel more free more open. Is everything that we have been through worth this freedom that i yearn to feel? i cannot tell you right now whether or not we will be together, now, two weeks from now, more even two months or two years, I cannot tell you that and i am sorry for that. I don’t know what I am looking for and i am sorry that i dragged you this far all because i never knew what I really wanted. I wanted to have what you desire, I tried to want it, but i just couldn’t. I couldn’t see it through your eyes. I am trying to understand it and i respect it more than you will ever know. Its 3:31 am and I am not sure what I want right now. i am battling with two sides of me and my heart is saying two different things. My heart, my soul yearns to fly away, its yearning to figure out how I am feeling and why i am feeling the way I am. Yet, a part of me doesn’t want to leave you. i will miss our talk, our walks, our laughs and our giggles. I miss the excitement, i miss the excitement in life, the excitement in our relationship. I don’t want my destiny to be chosen for me by another. I want it to be a mystery. Why am I thinking about Will? Why am I still regretting not waiting longer for Will? I don’t know him the way I know Drew. Where do i go from here when my mind is saying two things. i just don’t know right now and I know that Drew will not be willing to wait to find out and how can I blame him for that? I’m not sure I would want to wait either. I think right now, I need time to think. I need time to figure out what I need right now. He’s going to tell me tomm. that, that is selfish of me to think that way and i already know that I am not going to know what to say. He just can’t see it through my eyes and maybe thats okay. Would he rather me fake being alright? Right now, I am just set on figuring things out, for myself and for him. I understand if he doesn’t want to wait around, I don’t blame him for that. I just need to figure out what i really desire. Do i desire him or do I desire a life full of options? What bugs me with him wanting to be around? Do i want to tell him tomm that i think we should take a break? or do I try once again to try to make myself feel a way that I don’t all the time? Will the moving out help, i sure hope so.
I should have never have done this, i should have never have started this and i should have never have talked to you in that field. you were exciting, you were new, you cared and you were someone always there. Did I ever truly love you? or was it all an act of not wanting to be lonely. How do I go back to that school, back to the places we always went to? How do I act when I see you in public. I wanted to take things slow, I wanted that new relationship excitement to come back, I wanted you to be there still. I still wanted to see you, I still wanted to spend my time with you.
mm my heart hurts and I am not sure what to do. I never wanted to hurt him. I never wanted to do this. I never wanted to feel this way. My heart, it hurts. I want to be with him but I don’t as well. I want to see him again but I don’t as well. Love is such a strange thing. I just can’t believe that it got to this level, i should have stopped it a long time ago. I should not have done this.
or 9-1:30 and 4:30-7:30
failuretolaunch11 asked: Hey! Sorry for being kinda creepy but I was in the hill tribe orphanage tag and you posted something about it and I'm insinuating you went on the rustic trip there! I hope you don't mind but I have a couple of questions regarding what to pack. You don't have to answer them though, it's completely up to you
hey no worries at all. I was at the hill tribe last summer.